When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
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Showing posts with label job description. Show all posts
Showing posts with label job description. Show all posts
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Three businessmen
Three businessmen were having dinner at a club. When it came time to pay the check, each grabbed for it.
"It's a business expense," said one.
"I'll pay," said the second. "I'm on cost plus."
"Let me have it," argued the third. "I'm filing for bankruptcy next week."
"It's a business expense," said one.
"I'll pay," said the second. "I'm on cost plus."
"Let me have it," argued the third. "I'm filing for bankruptcy next week."
The Young Businessman
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
Murphy's work laws
1. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
2. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
3. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
4. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
5. Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
6. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
7. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
8. Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.
9. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.
10. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
11. To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
12. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.
13. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
14. The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.
15. There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
16. The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).
17. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
18. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
19. People are always available for work in the past tense.
20. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
21. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
22. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
23. You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
24. No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
25. The longer the title, the less important the job.
26. Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
27. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
28. All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.
29. Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
2. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
3. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
4. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
5. Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
6. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
7. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
8. Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.
9. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.
10. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
11. To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
12. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.
13. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
14. The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.
15. There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
16. The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).
17. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
18. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
19. People are always available for work in the past tense.
20. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
21. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
22. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
23. You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
24. No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
25. The longer the title, the less important the job.
26. Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
27. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
28. All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.
29. Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
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